Museum of Mayonnaise

May 09

via http://planetpeschel.com/wp/2010/04/writers-at-rest-henry-james/

via http://planetpeschel.com/wp/2010/04/writers-at-rest-henry-james/

Jun 11

Louise’s Christmas pancake dinner

     She and Emmett prepared the food.  He liked his bacon burnt.  I stirred the maple flavoring into a can of corn syrup.  It turned out well enough though I believe I could have gotten a more uniform blend if I had first heated the syrup.  The dinner was good — salty and sweet and puffy and greasy all at once.  A few pancakes were left over, but nobody ever leaves strips of crisp bacon lying around, nobody I know.

— Charles Portis, Gringos.

Miss Caroline Spencer’s cousin’s apricot

     He stood on the threshold an instant, extracting the stone from a plump apricot he had fondly retained; then he put the apricot into his mouth and, while he let it gratefully dissolve there, stood looking at us with his long legs apart and his hands thrust into the pockets of his velvet coat.

— Henry James, Four Meetings.

Bucky Wunderlick’s frozen beef noodles

     Into boiling water I dropped the plastic pouch lumpy with beef chunks and frozen noodles.  I watched it slide down the side of the pot as the water stilled for a moment before resuming its furor.  There was no clock that worked, no way to measure the fourteen minutes deemed necessary for thawing and the regeneration of flavor.  I counted to sixty a total of seven times, then multiplied by two and removed the pouch, cutting it open with a pair of rusty blunt grooming scissors found protruding from a beer can, one blade in each triangular incision.  I waited for the long-dormant odor of goulash to be broadcast to my nose, smoke of herdsman’s meat, but the air held little more than a limp whiff of carrots.  I plopped contents into cornflake bowl and set to eating, eyes off the food, teeth working mechanically.  I tried in fact to close off all my senses to this dim experience.  Abused longhorns stuffed in pouches.  Ceremonial flesh injected with cursed preservatives.  Eating myself: lessons in the effects of auto-cannibalism.  I tried to erase taste-memory from my lips with a two-ply paper towel, floral bordered.

— Don DeLillo, Great Jones Street.

Jun 08

Disgusting English Candy Drill XV

     Even an hour later, the Meggezone still lingers, a mint ghost in the air. Slothrop lies with Darlene, the Disgusting English Candy Drill a thing of the past, his groin now against her warm bottom. The one candy he did not get to taste — one Mrs. Quoad withheld — was the Fire of Paradise, that famous confection of high price and protean taste — “salted plum” to one, “artificial cherry” to another… “sugared violets”… “Worcestershire sauce”… “spiced treacle”… any number of like descriptions, positive, terse — never exceeding two words in length — resembling the descriptions of poison and debilitating gases found in training manuals, “sweet-and-sour eggplant” being perhaps the lengthiest to date.

— Gravity’s Rainbow, p. 118-119.

Disgusting English Candy Drill XIV

     “Nasty cough,” Mrs. Quoad offering a tin of that least believable of English coughdrops, the Meggezone. “Darlene, the tea is lovely, I can feel my scurvy going away, really I can.”

     The Meggezone is like being belted in the head with a Swiss Alp. Menthol icicles immediately begin to grow from the roof of Slothrop’s mouth. Polar bears seek toenail-holds up the freezing frosty-grape alveolar clusters in his lungs. It hurts his teeth too much to breathe, even through his nose, even, necktie loosened, with his nose down inside the neck of his olive-drab T-shirt. Benzoin vapors seep into his brain. His head floats in a halo of ice.

— Gravity’s Rainbow, p. 118.

Disgusting English Candy Drill XIII

     “Oh that’s nothing, have one of these — ” his teeth, in some perverse reflex, crunching now through a hard sour gooseberry shell into a wet spurting unpleasantness of, he hopes it’s tapioca, little glutinous chunks of something all saturated with powdered cloves.

     “More tea?” Darlene suggests. Slothrop is coughing violently, having inhaled some of that clove filling.

— Gravity’s Rainbow, p. 118.

Jun 07

Disgusting English Candy Drill XII

     “Yes,” Darlene through tongue-softened sheets of caramel, “don’t you know there’s a war on? Here now love, open your mouth.”

     Through the tears he can’t see it too well, but he can hear Mrs. Quoad across the table going “Yum, yum, yum,” and Darlene giggling. It is enormous and soft, like a marshmallow, but somehow — unless something is now going seriously wrong with his brain — it tastes like: gin. “Wha’s ‘is,” he inquires thickly.

     “A gin marshmallow,” sez Mrs. Quoad.

     “Awww…”

— Gravity’s Rainbow, p. 118.

Disgusting English Candy Drill XI

     “Go on then,” Darlene actually taking his hand with the candy in it and trying to shove it into his mouth.

     “Was just, you know, looking at it, the way Mrs. Quoad suggested.”

     “And no fair squeezing it, Tyrone.”

     Under its tamarind glaze, the Mills bomb turns out to be luscious pepsin-flavored nougat, chock-full of tangy candied cubeb berries, and a chewy camphor-gum center. It is unspeakably awful. Slothrop’s head begins to reel with camphor fumes, his eyes are running, his tongue’s a hopeless holocaust. Cubeb? He used to smoke that stuff. “Poisoned…” he is able to croak.

     “Show a little backbone,” advises Mrs. Quoad.

— Gravity’s Rainbow, p. 118.

Disgusting English Candy Drill X

     “Oh, try this,” hollers Darlene, clutching her throat and swaying against him.

     “Gosh, it must really be something,” doubtfully taking this nastylooking brownish novelty, an exact quarter-scale replica of a Mills-type hand grenade, lever, pin and everything, one of a series of patriotic candies put out before sugar was quite so scarce, also including, he notices, peering into the jar, a .455 Webley cartridge of green and pink striped taffy, a six-ton earthquake bomb of some silver-flecked blue gelatin, and a licorice bazooka.

— Gravity’s Rainbow, p. 117-118.